Finding peace in ending your conception journey
Hi I’m Georgy Mason mother to a wilful and spirited 4 year old girl, who is quite literally a miracle child for me. I’ve written about our journey so far, a few times and you can find at A Mother Place IVF and A Mother Place Pregnancy
But in short, after 8 years and a lot of help from both science and faith, I conceived and had the child that I had always longed for.
I’ve met lots of truly momentous brave souls along the way, and the conclusion I came to long before I became pregnant enough to believe I would have a child, was that primary infertility (infertile without children) was hard to live through. I also concluded secondary infertility (infertility after having had a child) looked like a whole different ball game and in many ways much more complex to manage whilst you are in treatment.
IVF is hard, but please don’t let that put you off, it’s also amazing, hopeful and proactive. I decided to start IVF again when my daughter was around 2. For us, that involved a whole minefield of trying to gently wean her off breastfeeding. You can in fact breastfeed through IVF, but I wanted to focus on one thing at a time.
My daughter knows she came out of a petri dish and that Dr Tarek is our hero and part of this team who made her. She came to appointments with us and was very aware of what was going on. What I learned was that kids are INCREDIBLE. They are brave, resilient and compassionate beyond imagination. I wanted so much to give her a sibling, but after 3 cycles I learned, what I had long suspected, the physical endurance needed for multiple IVF was magnified when you have a toddler, and the desire to make “it” stop grew stronger than the desire to make a sibling.
I always wondered if I would know when to stop trying and after 12 years, I didn’t think I would be able to accept “the end” of my fertility journey. Much to my surprise, in that moment, about 10 minutes after that single blue line, I knew in my bones and my heart that was the end. It was time to turn a new leaf and accept what is.
I adjusted to the idea of having 1 child so much faster than I expected. I knew in my heart and soul I’d given it everything I had and that was that. I only had to look around at how hard having a gaggle of kids can be to know there are many positives to having an only. The number of kids you have doesn’t diminish the challenges you have with them, it just changes the nature of the challenge.
There was however a huge gaping hole in my life! For the last 12 years treatment, conception, pregnancy and breastfeeding had exercised quite an intense level of structure and control over my life. Suddenly all that was gone. I felt a loss that was indescribable for all the might have been along the way, all the angel babies and the structure that my life had. I once described it as “being a prisoner released into and empty parking lot and not quite knowing what to do next”.
I felt peace, sadness and relief. I still experience moments that hit me out of nowhere, and being handed a new-born is something that I still struggle with. I don’t know if that will ever stop, but I do know I’m ok with those feelings.
What would I do with myself? Where would all my planning time go? What next, other than of course enjoy my miracle wilful and intrepid explorer. So, I decided to have some fun with all the skills I learnt whilst on my journey to while away the hours and I’ve started a small hair accessories business. My 4-year girl loves the fact that mummy can make her a bow to match any outfit and I deeply enjoy my time in the craft room. I’ve always believed that when one door closes, another one opens, and this has truly been the case. Lily Dragonfly Designs was born out of sorrow, to bring joy to me and hopefully others. Please do come and check out our work at www.lilydragonflydesigns.com